Sunday, September 18, 2011

Time Flies And Leaves You. Period.

To borrow from a very wise person (B. Kliban?), Time Flies Whether You're Having Fun Or Not.

This concept was made very clear to me last night when my husband managed to get me out of the house to venture downtown to a gallery show. We took the scenic route, through neighborhoods that, when we were actually living downtown, had been pretty much wastelands of empty warehouses and scary dark corners. Now the streets are full of hipsters and traffic. We had to move so slowly that we were able to look at all the shop windows, full of high fashion and quirky objects, crying out to be touched and won, nestled in slick packaging, cradled in our arms, guaranteed to Change My Life. Sidewalk cafes begged us to stop and luxuriate in the Hot.

But I also felt an uneasiness, a sense that I was The Other. I looked at all the people milling around the fun places, standing in line to get into bars with cool names, going in to the shops which were, of course, open fashionably late. And I realized that all these people were Beautiful and Young. And the phrase that keeps flashing through my head: I Am Almost 60 Years Old.

We made it to the gallery. It was on a dark street in an industrial area, or what used to be. Now it was gloomy brick warehouses that seemed to be abandoned. My husband bounded fearlessly down the street with me close behind, and into one of these places with a couple of young people standing outside, talking and drinking a beer. We trudged up a couple of flights of stairs and into the space with signs proclaiming that This Was It: "Exquisite Corpse". Inside the brightly lit white box of a room were some art pieces that were clearly designed around the theme of the evening. There was a respectable-sized crowd huddled at one end, surrounding a Performance Artist who had been painted red by a cohort and was rolling on a sheet of paper on the floor to Create Art. I was not impressed, having just seen the same party trick on an episode of Real Housewives of New York. But again, the feeling of The Other, as I looked around and saw that, of all the people in the place, maybe two were in our 50+ demo.

It seems like such a short while ago that my husband and I were in this set, gallery-hopping on the first Friday of the month, popping in to whatever restaurant was In that week. When I worked downtown, we were oriented to play there, too, coming home only to restore our batteries and get ready to come back and attack the Big City again the next day.

Now I find that I leave the house so seldom that my doctor put me on a super dose of Vitamin D because I'm never in the sun. Days melt into each other, with my biggest achievement being making the bed and filling and emptying the dishwasher in the same day. I used to take a bus and a train to get to work, put in a full days work and then some, go to after work functions, commute home to a growing family, and end the day surrounded by the people I loved and energized to go back and do it again. Five days a week. And the weekends were filled with activities that were planned to make up for being away from home for that five days. Or with contented nothingness, rewarding myself for doing so much the rest of the week.

While I've been hibernating, mentally and physically, time has inevitably passed. Time Waits For No Man, and for women maybe Time cheats and runs way ahead, making it impossible to keep up. In the years since my "retirement" (i.e., being kicked to the curb once I hit 50), I've been trying to re-create who I am, a person who is no longer defined by her job. I'm so envious of those who've managed to fashion a second life, just as full and meaningful as the first. For whatever reason, I've failed at that.

I have not been present in my life for a long time. Periodically, like last night, I wake up and realize that while I've been stuck trying to figure out what do with the rest of my life, my life has been marching on, without me in it. That voice comes out sometimes to tell me that I Am Almost 60 Years Old.

I haven't been able to contribute to this space for a very long time, although I think of things that I should be sharing every day. I am so pleased and humbled whenever someone writes in about their experiences in The Journey, and I always make sure to publish their thoughts. I think people do benefit from hearing about the path others are taking.

I'm going to try again to participate in my life, maybe working toward taking charge of it. If anyone cares to join me, welcome aboard.
Publish Post

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I agree that you need to once again take charge of your life and find ways to make it meaningful. If you haven't sought treatment for depression, that may be an option. Open yourself to new ideas and goals and keep physically fit as much as possible. These can be satisfying years but try not to feel like a victim - there are positive actions you can take.

gapofdunloe said...

I don't think seeing a Doc (who probably won't really understand and put you on a little white pill), is really the answer.
You're writing, you're still in a relationship, you're going out, but you're angry. I hear ya' sister! Being angry can be pretty fufilling in itself. It's hard work sometimes........

AdMom24 said...

I've been feeling so freaking angry lately. Wondering if it's a life stage. Went to amazon and searched for "50 and angry" and just got a list of angry birds games. So then went to Google and found you. And am I glad a did! God I feel your pain. Except maybe that I am one of those "forced into retirement" at 50," who then found another career. Another career where I work twice as hard for a quarter of the pay. But at least I can do it until I'm 75, or until I drop. Most days I think that could be tomorrow. Any way... so glad to have found you. Looking forward to reading your whole blog. Here I go....

The Angry 50 Year Old Woman said...

I'm so glad you found us, and the other commenters as well! Being angry at this age and at this point in time is inevitable, I believe, and it helps to be able to share with others who feel the same way. "gapofdunloe" (!) said something that struck me: "Being angry can be pretty fulfilling in itself. It's hard work sometimes..." So true on both counts! It can feel good to finally explode with the rage of things changing out of control. I'm tired of being ignored, underestimated, and unappreciated! And I am so PISSED OFF that all the things I've learned in life are of no value to others. But it's also hard work to stay angry and not fall into apathy and depression. I'm just (hopefully!) coming out of that stage and ready to be vocal again. Deborah Norville of Inside Edition did a piece a couple of years ago where she recorded her own video. It was a hoot, and my daughter and I can still laugh over the song she recorded. But maybe it should be our theme song: "Gotta keep on movin', gotta keep on pushin'!"

Anonymous said...

Very poignant writing that hits home to those of us marching toward 60. Let your voice be heard as you can help yourself - and others - deal with this life transition. We should let that anger (with a necessary dose of humor) keep us humming, and not give in to (and rise above) any notion that we are the OTHERS, for they are destined to be Others someday, too.

Tuudz expressions said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I find that at first my age really bothered me, turning 60, now I am ok with it and infact feel more empowered, and assertive.
I do know though that there is age discrimmenation on the job front, so I look for jobs that have older employee's.
I love life it is a never ending adventure. Age does not really matter. Everyone it seems is on a different path. I learn as much from the younger people, as I do people my age.
In spirit I am ageless.

Anonymous said...

I just found this post looking for "diabled 50 year old woman looking for goal. I have physical disabilities that bring much pain and unfortunatley severe depressive disorder. I am taking medication for both but the pain is always breaking through as well as the depression. All my life I have been to therapists. Right now I look around I realize I have to scrape up every bit of energy just to clean the house before my husband gets home. He is sick and tired of me being sick and tired and our relationship is suffering. It too have seen much of the world and done wonderful things all in the past with my first husabnd. I need a goal that I can do while laying on my side. Something to look forward to. Volunteer? I would love too but who wants a volunteer who can't sit but has to lay down? I guess I am angry too. Stones: Time Waits for no one; Time is on My Side, The Who's Hope I die Before I get Old. Back to Stones: Doctor, please some more of these . . . . what a drag it is getting old and not feeling love. I guess that would be a goal to go for but it is not clear..
Anyways, the Angry 50 Year Old Woman sure knows how to paint a picture with words.

Anonymous said...

I very much enjoyed reading your post and hope to contribute some thoughts on the subject in a couple of days. I am 60 y/o - lost my job and consequently my home last year.

Am trying to live to this philosophy: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, latte in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOOHOO, what a ride!" (sorry, can't ID author, but it wasn't me).

Heads up, Sister. I've got a plan, and I'm going to share it with you!

Jillian said...

Hey 50 is the new 30!!! Well that is what I'm telling myself. I think it is good to be feeling agitated. At least at an older age we have the life experience/reflection to know quite quickly what we want to do right now and hopefully the resources to do it. My mother-in-law is in her late 80s and she says that she still feels 17 everyday. Let's all "meet in Rio"

Anonymous said...

I'm an angry 48-year-old woman. Thank you for writing and making me realize I'm not alone in my feelings. Grrrr. It's not over yet. ;)

tableforone said...

good morning dear ladies,
well I will be 50 in one year, I have 60 pounds to lose before my class reunion birthday party, and I do feel angry about a few things. But I am also really tired... this is my first time to your blog and I love the way you speak ms "angry at 50" and I suddenly feel that there may be some empathy out there for this significant point of transition. I have children who feel 'entitled' and show absolutely no regard or respect... I think I need melatonin or something as I rarely sleep through the night...some nights not at all... and then there is that thing you mentioned where I just found out I snore now! What the....? Went to Montreal with my daughter and yes the streets of youth, lineups for bars, and endless galleries and food places.. so absolutely glorious but in the morning my daughter told me SHE couldn't sleep because of MY snoring... :( So my partner snores and I am ready for separate rooms I think... what is happening to my eyebrows...
I feel I have maybe found a place to belong.... oh yeah... besides being overlooked for a position at my work which I was suitable for, given to a woman with no experience.. but affiliation to the constituency...
I don't know if there are answers, but... thanks for letting me vent angry woman ( maybe we are actually just disillusioned and a bit confused)

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. My husband has been laid off and I've been unable to find work so far. Society wants to throw away people who reach a certain age and we never expected our lives to go in this direction. I remind myself that it's never too late to improve or learn something new. I'm generally an optimist, but at a certain point, life pummels you with so much it's hard. I rely on my faith and I read and do things I enjoy as well as mundane house chores. We (50+ women) have a lot to offer this world. Each day I'm trying to look for good things that happen, whether it's finding a parking space close to where I'm going, a call from a friend, or time for a nice bubble bath - anything that is fun, happy, or makes my life easier. It makes me feel not quite so hopeless. Hang in there. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful writer and I hope that peoples positive comments inspire you. I goggled is 50 old (I'm turning in March of 2012) and found your blog. I would like to follow and keep up with your journey. I pray you find your meaning. God bless!

Anonymous said...

Oh I love the Title "The Angry 50 Year Old Woman." I just turned 50 and have been so angry, depressed, I don't know what...I have a 3 and 4 year old who came late in life. Yep, and I'm working full time because you have to have 2 incomes to even afford a home. And what makes me angry is that I'm making less money today than I did 15 years ago. How wrong is that! I'm surrounded by families who are in their 30s and I feel like the old lady trying to fit in and I don't. People my age are celebrating their kids leaving home, not trying to get them potty trained. And they talk about being grandparents...ugh, the thought makes me cringe. Seriously, I just don't want a career, I want to sleep. I really want a good night's sleep. I think that makes me angry too.

The Angry 50 Year Old Woman said...

Wow, Anonymous 50 year old mom of toddlers!! Your story literally stopped me in my tracks for a few minutes! While you're dealing with all the physical and mental issues that come with being pushed into a new decade of life, you also have a 3 and a 4 year old?! The good news is that having children really does keep you younger, although you may not feel it for quite a while, at least until they're in school. And you have a partner, I assume, as you talk about two incomes. I hope you have a good friend in your partner, who shares your feelings of being overwhelmed and is someone you can vent with. And laugh and cry with. Lots of that. You have a job, which is a double-edged sword. You have a life outside mom-hood, which can be good for your sanity, but obviously working two full time jobs will sap anyone's energy. I hope you're able to put away as much money as possible in case your job should go away, which is of course what everyone should do in this economy. My job went down the tubes very soon after turning 50, after a 25 year career. But you probably have heard all this before. You really want to be able to unload on someone who will LISTEN and NOT try to fix. I've tried to teach my wonderful husband this, with limited success. But please visit us often, we angry 50+ers! We listen and we know. Best of luck to you...you're definitely my hero of the week!!!

NotAlone said...

While job-opp surfing this morning for the obligatory 3-5 hours (depending upon the requirements of online application processes, assessment testing, and other hoops of a flaming nature, this daily no-weekends-off procedure can take up to 6 hours), I came across your post. How will I ever thank you? I have just turned 50, and am finding the job market to be a different world entirely from that which I remember. I went to college late in life, and graduated at the height of the "recession. I now carry a huge student loan debt, and, after 2 years of underemployment (borrowing money every month to meet bills) am out in the brutal job market, vying for a position that will allow me to survive. I, alone, am responsible for paying my way in life. I am now borrowing all of the money it takes for me to keep the lights on and dog food in the dog bowls (If only my three dogs would find the motivation to work! At the very least, they could do the laundry once in a while...) And, the end of my student loan deferment races toward me, it strikes me that a college degree could be considered a liability rather than an asset, unless a certain level of wealth is present as the endeavor of an education is begun. I am: unmarried, without children or grand children, the owner of very few material possessions. The idea of retirement is a fairy tale to me. My fight for my life, in a very real sense, rages on day after day, and night after night, three a.m. searches for jobs that may have been posted between midnight and three, unending electronic applications, essays, math tests, and logic problems. Meanwhile, I am not just slipping, but plummeting further and further into debt. The latest statistic shows that 200,000 Americans over the age of 50 have been employed for over 1 year. I will be living in my car, with three large dogs, long before I am able to mark a 1-year unemployed mile.

Anonymous said...

thank the cosmos for me finding this! what a relief to see thoughts in print that i thought were only in my own head! hello ladies!

Anonymous said...

No counselor, no doctor, no friend or acquaintance, not even my Mother before she died, was able to express or understand what I am going through and feeling as well as you have. I feel generally tossed aside in every way. I am nice looking but 54, I have a few crows feet and mid menopause, no men check me out like they used to, even the guy in Home Depot yesterday didn't care about helping me find something when a younger hotter version with long legs and short shorts passed by. He and all the other men shoppers gawked and drooled and I was just left hanging. Sad, I used to hate the gawkers, why didn't I appreciate them? The men I meet and ones online in a chat room have been very enlightening, and a handful of dates since divorce. They all repeat the theme of wanting a " younger girl" and every single man on the earth says , specially after a divorce at age 40 ish, that they CAN get and do want a much younger woman, no matter if she has problems, baggage, kids, ex drama, addictions, they want the trophy, they want the one to show off to guy friends, they want one for their second childhood, the energy, the sexually adventurous, the toned body, that they would NEVER pick the woman they originally married if they had to do it over, and no it doesn't shock me , the tales they tell me, the truths, yet it still makes me so sad. I have much to offer, and I'm not ready to take care of a 67 year old man. I want to live my second life, yet I don't have any grown kids or grandbabies to live through to enjoy, I have no siblings, no cousins, no family at all left. I am grateful for simple things each day, but I long for a nice companion to do things with, grilling and chilling, movies, entertaining at home, going to the beach, travel, dining out. And with holidays coming up, I am all alone while everyone celebrates and no one includes me, I'm told that " we have family routines that we don't like interrupted. Kill me now. When my friend told me that I should have snagged a man before I turned 50, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. She had botox and filler and looks fresher and stays in good shape and works hard at it, yet she still is her age, and her hubbie dumped her for a younger version. I have started walking the dog more, to lose weight, feel better, get out, talk with folks along the way, hoping I'll make a new circle of people and get invitations but I have low expectations, that way maybe just maybe I could be pleasantly surprised by an act of human kindness. I moved to a smaller beach town, and I do find life simpler and less stressful, but I have no purpose, no friends, no family , just a dog. I was so excited when one woman said I should meet her son who was 45 , to think that he would even entertain the idea of me, I felt energized thinking ok, I must look ok, I must be ok in her eyes for her to approve enough to want to introduce the two of us. I am so tired of being alone. Lonely. unique. Old. forgotten. All my friends are married forever and enjoying this second stage of life with grandbabies. And can retire and have security and travel and are not ill. They don't understand my losses at all. And they don't care to. I wish I could find more hope. I mostly fear being alone with an illness or surgery, no one even to check on me. I went from a full life of activities as a married woman with plenty of invitations to nothing and no one.
I really enjoyed your blogs. please don't stop.

Anonymous said...

Wow...do all these comments really hit home. I have resigned to being single...some good things come with that...but deep down i would love to fall in love again with someone that is like myself! Its hard walking through life when no one even looks up at me to say hello even if I said hello first!